You know, as I was writing my last post, I wondered if I was being fair and honest in what I was sharing. I’ve decided that, yes, I was. At the same time, though, alongside of my very positive feelings about what I’m experiencing here and what God is doing in and through my life, I was feeling other emotions of which I didn’t say anything. Now I don’t write everything I feel on here, obviously, but I feel like this is important to recognize as well. As a missionary in a field, I want to represent clearly and respectfully the experience I’m going through, that someone not read this blog and have a misguided notion of missions. I should write more often in order to do that well, but at least I can work towards that now.
I spoke very truthfully as I wrote the night of my birthday. It was a wonderfully blessed day; I am filled with gratitude for the life God is blessing me with here in Chile. I feel extremely positive about where I am right now, physically, mentally, spiritually. At the exact same time, though, as I wrote the last blog post I was dealing with a huge surge of sadness that had stayed with me for two days. I didn’t write about it because it was so separate from the positive feelings I have that I didn’t know how to meld the two in one blog post. The sadness hadn’t overtaken the positive feelings or the joy and yet it was so strong that I felt it like a physical weight sitting on my chest and over my shoulders, making me want to walk through the day with my head down. People in my life noticed it and prayed aloud for me, speaking of the sadness maybe I was feeling of passing another birthday here in Chile, away from my family, but I knew that wasn’t it. I didn’t know the reason for the sadness; I just knew I couldn’t shake it.
I thought perhaps it came from seeing a huge protest/parade pass by on Saturday, where I saw so many people objectifying their own selves as sexual objects for others’ gain that I finally walked away, heartsick for the low value they placed on their own worth, not as things but as people.
–But I had the sadness earlier than that, and it only deepened from that experience.–
I thought perhaps the sadness came from the youth group I went to Saturday night, where the songs we sang touched my heart until I was crying, and where a missionary back from the field spoke of Afghanistan and the Muslim population there. The images and stories broke my heart for the population there and I felt a powerful sadness. It was also an intense time of prayer for me, too, though, that the clinging sadness did not touch.
–So the origin of the sadness didn’t come from Saturday’s events.–
Sunday was a rough day and a wonderful day all melded together, as I struggled with my sadness and also experienced the joy of having a big group of friends together to celebrate birthdays. Church, where I am often refreshed for the week, took from me that day, and I felt more and more heavy. My birthday celebration was wonderful but the entire way there I wished I could not go and as soon as we were done the sadness and heaviness returned. I could have easily cried that night as I sat on the bus heading home, and yet it had nothing to do with another birthday in Chile.
Where was it coming from, and how could it feel so separate from my other feelings?
It wasn’t until our team meeting Tuesday morning that I finally put the words to it. I had been praying for days at that point against the sadness. I knew it wasn’t from me and I knew it wasn’t of God, but it wasn’t until Tuesday morning that I actually declared that I was being spiritually attacked. I was in a small group during our prayer meeting and as we shared prayer requests, when it came to me I looked at the others and said, “I’m just feeling really sad” and immediately began crying. I spent the rest of the team meeting that day crying at different points, praying against the attack and praising God for His faithfulness and the victory found in Him. I made the connection that the previous Friday evening I had had a very powerful time of prayer, praying victory against a spiritual attack on someone else and on OM Chile as a whole. During that time of praying I sat with goosebumps, very aware of the battle happening and that I was in the presence of the Holy Spirit (which is a sentence so far out there for our world that it’s almost hard to write because of how people might respond; I will not apologize, though, for speaking of the presence of the Holy Spirit nor of the battle being waged).
The experience Friday night was incredibly powerful for me and I praised and thanked God as I went to bed for allowing me to be a part of the fight. I then woke up Saturday morning with an incredible sadness, a heaviness and pressure that weighed on my shoulders and chest and would not lift. I was being spiritually attacked.
–Spiritual warfare is a very real and present thing. I feel like one of the reasons God brought me here to Chile was to become more aware of its presence. In my world at home, my life and my Christian walk were so comfortable that I lived blindly to the spiritual battle. I then came here and it’s been one of the most apparent aspects of my time here. Being in a place where people routinely come who have just made a huge leap of faith to trust God for the nine-month training program we do here, and to regularly enter into ministry where we are actively sharing about the love of Christ in places where the devil has footholds, children’s homes, the streets, jail, skate parks, and other places, well, Satan does not like that. He fights that. I had experiences during my time with the transvestite/prostitute ministry where, even if there was no one working on a street corner, I would suddenly become aware of an incredible darkness, more so than the evening’s darkness, and the only resource I had to battle what I was experiencing was prayer and the power found in the name of Jesus Christ. Our world has diminished the importance of invoking Jesus’ name to where it almost seems silly, but there is power in the name and the blood of Jesus Christ, and after praying and experiencing a change on that street corner, though nothing had changed physically, I state with confidence that Jesus Christ has victory over evil; that demons must obey His commands and that the devil has no authority. —
That doesn’t mean he doesn’t try, though, and that’s what’s been happening for me. It’s happening for others as well right now in OM Chile, so it’s been a little rough the last week. One of the things I love, though, about believing in my Father is that I can praise Him in the midst of difficulties and hardships. I look at the spiritual attack happening on OM Chile and I praise God for it, because I know that Satan wouldn’t be fighting this hard if there wasn’t something he was trying to prevent or something that’s already happened that he wants to break down. Something wonderful is coming for OM Chile that will further the kingdom of God. Something wonderful has already happened here because we received our new group of the Intensive Training program a month ago as well as moved into a new home base where we are now all together. I praise God for all of this in the middle of the attack Satan is waging against us.
I have a very strong prayer team praying for me and for OM Chile. We here within OM Chile are supporting each other, both in prayer and outside of it, and my family and church are lifting me and OM Chile up in prayer. I would love your prayers as well, as you read this. Our Lord is faithful and loving. Our Father is mighty and victorious. Satan has already lost this battle; he does not win in my life, he will not win in the life of OM Chile, and he does not have to win in yours. Claim victory, claim freedom in the blood of Jesus Christ. Find others to pray for you. Speak with your pastor. Pray. Pray. Keep your eyes focused on God and praise Him, rather than focusing on the problem. You can share with me as well, and I will pray for you, too.
I do not have a lot of knowledge about spiritual warfare. I do not have a lot of experience with spiritual warfare. I feel like I am going through a bit of a crash course at the moment, living with it around me. I wanted to share with you, though. Although I do not speak with authority on every aspect of spiritual attack, I tell you what I’ve been experiencing because I do not want to stay quiet. God has called me as a missionary to Chile and this is part of my experience. It is a part of your experience as well. Spiritual warfare exists and it is strong. Our God is stronger. Praise our Almighty Father. Amen.
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